Where Are My Endorphins?

For the last three weeks or so, I have been on a health kick. This happens to me about once a year, I decide I'm going to revolutionise my life and everything's going to be only glorious. It's an "out with the old, in with the new" mechanism. Last year, to coincide with starting college, this life haulout took the form of me joining the gym. I went three times. The year before that, I took a creative writing course to improve before my English Leaving Cert, but I hated the writing style they were trying to enforce on us and dropped out after three lessons. It's always something. Sure, when I started college, I joined the Martial Arts Club, having never taken a class in my life. "No time like the present!", I said. Clubs rely on first year eejits like me to pay the 4 euro and then never do anything about it, and as it happens I still don't have any kickass Bruce Lee style moves to behead potential rapists on a dark night. Would you believe? I have found, in general, that three is the magic number. I generally do something three times and then don't do it anymore. I am on Week Three of my typical 2008 life change, as I mentioned before, and I am delighted to note that I have absolutely no intention of giving up.

The main features of my health kick have been better skincare, dyeing my hair back to brown (the red was a bit damaging), eating better and starting to exercise. My skin isn't dry anymore and I actually forgot that I like being a brunette. Those parts were easy. The diet is quite alright, I've cut down on the crap, but I allow myself the odd treat, and everything's fine and dandy.

But the exercise. Oh god, the exercise. I am the definition of what it means to be unfit. I can barely run to the end of my road before I get a little tired. At the start of the health kick, I thought, that doesn't matter, sure we'll build it up. I looked up facts about exercise on the internet, where I should start, what I should do and the whole lot. I started walking to Portmarnock and back daily, but I realised that the weather had to provide. I bought myself workout DVDs because I wanted to do a little bit every day, even when it was raining.

Over the course of my internet research, all I kept reading was about how great exercise makes you feel, sure it's painful to begin with, but once you break the pain barrier you're on a first call ticket to Endorphin City. These endorphins seem to be some sort of endurance reward, supposedly you feel all high and never want to stop exercising. I thought, sure this is whopping, I'll be an exercise addict in no time at all.

As. If.

Three weeks in, and I have come to one conclusion and one conclusion only. Endorphins are a fictional phenomenon created by toned Tessies to make the rest of us mere mortal women feel bad about ourselves. Take, for instance, one of my workout DVDs, the Ministry of Sound Pump It Up workout (for shame). It's hosted by Deanne Berry, who most people recognise as the instructor in the black thong leotard from Eric Prydz's 'Call On Me' video. The DVD is divided into 6 sections, most of which are grand (even for me), but there's one section called the Aeroburn, or low-intensity (ME ARSE) aerobics section. Berry and her slimline cohorts get through the workout with beaming faces, giving it absolute welly throughout. Meanwhile, in Seaburbia, I'm in absolute bits. At one point towards the end of the section, good old Deanne shouts "CAN YOU FEEL THOSE ENDORPHINS?! DON'T YOU FEEL GREAT?!" At this stage, I'm generally on the floor. There's fucking nothing great about the way I feel, I could quite happily curl up and sleep. All I feel is pure pain. I feel like they're mocking me, like they did this on purpose. "We're going to show how unbelievably fit we are, we'll get through the Aeroburn without even getting out of breath, and imply everyone else can too, thus making Maeve pass out and realise it's time she got her act together! Mmmkay, mate?" (they're Australian, on top of everything else)

Endorphins? I'm questioning my faith. Come to me the next time I switch on Deanne and I'll believe.

In the meantime? Fit people, shove your endorphins up your arse, or at least stop going on about them. There's REAL people around!

I'm not giving up. You won't defeat me, Deanne! I will say one thing though, and that's when I'm not squatting the fuck out of myself... I feel bleedin' great.